Transgender Parent Day takes place every November and is a day to celebrate trans parents of all kinds, but perhaps especially those of us who might not identify as moms or dads or who don’t feel that “Mother’s Day” and “Father’s Day” exactly fits! No matter how you identify, you should be recognized for this special role. We know being a trans parent can come with its own unique challenges, whether it’s coming out to your kids or figuring out your identity while also parenting.
We asked our members about their experience being a trans parent and any advice they might have for other folks. See what FOLX members Cynthia, SK, and Steve had to say:
What has been the most rewarding part of your experience as a transgender parent?
Cynthia: When I came out to my special needs daughter, I was expecting her to be majorly confused and unsure of me. But she took right to the news and started calling me Cyndi immediately and 99% of the time now.
SK: My son and I are both trans. His coming out helped me to have the courage to come out. It has been a journey for both of us. We have grown closer together, which has been a blessing. Not many people are as close with their grown children.
Skye: Being able to be the safe person for my kid and their friends to come to with LGBT questions because they know I likely have also been through it as a trans person.
What are some challenges you’ve faced as a trans parent, and how have you overcome them?
Cynthia: Before opening up to being trans, I did everything I could for my daughter but was withdrawn from everyday life. I now enjoy life, including my time with her.
SK: I always identified as a gay man at home, but still lived as a woman in the outside world while my children were growing up. My daughter struggled the most with understanding why I didn't act like other "Moms" acted. We would sit down and talk through it. She would always end up fine after we had a chance to process her feelings, but it would take her longer to get there. She was not at all surprised when I came out to the world and loves telling her friends that her "Mom" is a guy.
Skye: My biggest challenge has been the fear of being perceived as someone harmful as a trans parent of a trans child. My own family has insinuated that I caused my kid to be trans by exposing them to pride events. I've had to set strong boundaries around who I will let into our lives and the topics I am comfortable discussing with different people. Surrounding myself with loving chosen family has been the best way I have found to support me through that.
What’s the most heartwarming or memorable moment you’ve had as a parent?
Cynthia: Being in the delivery room and seeing my daughter born.
SK: My husband and I have been married for 30+ years. He started referring to me as a gay man trapped in a woman's body before we were married. We had no other language to use. In our household, our kids knew we were a gay couple, and I was a guy. To the outside world, I still presented as a woman. When our son came out as trans, he told us at dinner one night, "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body, and I want to live like a guy." Since he'd been wearing boys clothes since he was 2 yrs old, we were fine with it. I said, "That's cool. Now pass the salt." His Dad just wanted to know what his new name was. We both loved that he felt so comfortable telling us. He was annoyed that we were so casual about the whole thing. Years later, we laugh about how anti-climatic his coming out was.
Skye: There are so many. I would say that the best moment I have had recently was having my kids wrestling friends immediately feel comfortable around me and overhearing them saying how often they forget my kid is trans because they accept him how he is.
How do you create an affirming and inclusive environment for your children at home?
Cynthia: I always let her know that she can talk to me about anything and ask any questions she has about anything.
SK: Yes, our son started dressing as a boy at 2 years old. We stood up to grandparents who wanted to dress him as a girl. Our daughter is a vegetarian in a family that comes from ranchers and has converted to the Jewish faith. When my family is very conservative Christian. We have stood up to extended family when needed and put boundaries in place to protect them. We have made sure that our children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved without limits or conditions. Nothing they do or say will ever stop us from loving them. They are in their mid & late 20's now and are confident that we have their backs and we support them fully.
Skye: This one is tough and will be different for each family. The best way I have found to create that safe space is to not shy away from the difficult discussions and to have a good laugh at the awkward moments. Remember what really matters in the grand scheme of things. And be a place where they can come to you to bounce ideas off of, whether it be their next big Minecraft build or asking how to ask someone out.
What advice would you give to other trans or non-binary people who want to become parents?
Cynthia: Simply give them all the love you can and be honest with them at all times. Especially about who you are. Kids don’t know hate until they’re taught that, so teach them to love people who are different from them.
SK: It's the hardest thing you will ever do. Be yourself around your children and your partner. Make your relationship with your partner a priority. You don't have to conform to an expected role; just be yourself. Love your child unconditionally. Accept your child as they are, not as you want them to be.
Skye: As someone whose egg cracked after having a kid, I don't feel qualified to answer this really. I guess I would say to remember that the love and safety of your home matter so much more than other people's opinions.
How does your family celebrate Transgender Parents Day, or how would you like to celebrate it in the future?
Cynthia: I drive a truck and wasn’t home, but since opening up to my daughter, every day is trans parent day when she comes over.
SK: We've never celebrated it before. I've never been comfortable with Mother's Day, since I was really a guy. I'm going to have to get with my kids and look up some ideas on how to celebrate. I'm looking for some good ones.
Skye: We haven't ever celebrated this day because it's my first year officially out of the closet. We usually celebrated mom's and dad's days with a joint celebration in between them. I'm considering having a small special outing for my kid and I to just hang out without the expectations from the rest of the family. Something small but meaningful.
![“Simply give [kids] all the love you can and be honest with them at all times. Especially about who you are. Kids don’t know hate until they’re taught that, so teach them to love people who are different from them.” - Cynthia](https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/645d635322c070012b80db68/672132d0b2063fd1476236fe_672132bbdf6b106992498f76_3.jpeg)
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FOLX Health is the first digital healthcare company designed by and for the LGBTQIA+ community. Our services include primary care, gender-affirming hormone therapy including estrogen and testosterone (HRT), mental health care, sexual and reproductive health care, and fertility consultations. FOLX memberships give you access to LGBTQIA+ expert clinicians, peer support, thousands of LGBTQIA+ resources, and more. Whether you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, gender non-conforming, nonbinary, or another identity, you can find LGBTQ-specialized health care that helps you meet your wellness goals. Get all the benefits of becoming a FOLX member and sign up today!
